FAiLURE

FAiLURE -- It is not an option yet it's something you choose; the man with a plan is destined to lose. FAiLURE -- You know there is no one else to blame, for the choices you make are always the same. FAiLURE -- It's all your fault, this streak of bad luck; no escape from this cycle in which you are stuck. - TLH

REMOVED

Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all. Until something makes you feel again and then it all comes back -- every word, every hurt, every moment. How could you ever understand where I come from? Even if you ask, even if you listen, you do not really hear or see or feel. You don't remember my story, you haven't walked my path. you haven't seen what I've seen. My past defines me. This is who I am. I am...unseen, unheard, unwanted. That is what I am, if even I am anything.

It seemed like the same thing that held me up, forced me down. The world turned upside down and order disappeared. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. And a heavy sadness filled my soul. Deeper and deeper I fell within myself and nothing could help me out. Trapped in the misery of my life, lost in the sorrow of my soul. Unable to see the light. Unable to see the dawn. To feel... different. To dream.

And I felt the darkest days of my life kept coming, the blackest nights from my soul never stopped. It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares and never morning; and maybe you wonder why, but mostly you try not to think about it. And try to get by and try to survive and all the other stuff seems so much like nothing compared to just wanting the most important things back again.

I know I am helpless, dependent, desperate, but what happens when those you need the most threaten your very existence? I've heard plenty of promises and they all sound the same. Push hard enough and sooner or later they all prove to be empty. The sun comes up every morning but do you know where? Each place it's somewhere different. It's hard to find East when you keep moving around, but at least it comes--it always comes. I've come to depend on that.

And slowly, slowly seasons changed around me. And it seemed this time, that maybe the world would not be pulled out from under me again. Feet safe, roots starting to grow. Little buds of hope for me slowly attempting to trust this new life. I wish someone would tell me it's going to be okay. That one day, maybe, I'd feel normal. This my past, my history, my story-- is not my fault. It's not because of me and doesn't have to be or define my future. I am lovable, I am worthy of care, and that glimmer of light... it makes all the difference. The glimmers of light give me hope, that someday my summer will come.


You don't remember my story, all you can think about is your own story. You cannot heal me, you are not a healer. You cannot save me or hide me. This is my story, I have to make peace with it. Once upon a time, there was a girl who was being torn apart. She learned not to trust, to always have her guard up. Sometimes my life feels like a circle, a never-ending, on-going cycle. I don't know how to stop it, or change it, or break it. When I finally come close, it starts all over again. A whirlwind, a tornado , set out to destroy me.

Sometimes things begin to get better, life falls to a new rhythm, a new normal, and it may not be the best; but I've made peace with it. And it feels like, almost, I might be happy. Maybe I can write my own story, start from scratch. Forget all about the past. But then of course, someone else makes a choice and leaves me alone to figure it out. When I finally come close, it starts all over again. The life I always imagined, I see something different than what I see now. Born into the chaos, the winds whip around us. No one stays with us. Everything we know, is taken away. But one day... one day... you will *SHiNE*

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